Stupid Joke Thread

[ah2bqat]

   - good one, and very up to date.  I'm going to have to pass that one back to my teammates.

[ah2bqat]

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.'

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied,' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahahahaha. I did not see that one coming.

[ah2bqat]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

....I do so love bad puns first thing in the morning.  They're better than coffee. 

[oldmancoyote]

A chicken and a horse grew up together on a farm, and became the best of friends. One day, they went for a walk, and the horse stepped into quicksand. The chicken said: "Don't move, I'll go and look for help". So back to the farm he went, but could find no-one. In desperation, he took the farmer's BMW X5 and a rope, and with that he managed to pull the horse back to safety.

A few days later, they went for another walk, and suddenly the chicken fell into a fox's den. The den was empty, but the chicken could not manage to come out of the hole. The horse said: "Don't move, I'll go and look for help", but the chicken said: "Don't go - what if the fox comes back?" So they thought for a while, and then the horse said: "I've figured it out - I'll lay across the hole, and dangle my dick down into it; you grab it, and when you have a good grip I'll roll over and you'll come out". And so they did, and went back to the farm, both of them very wary of going on walks again in the surrounding countryside.

Moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.

[Mikla]

Oh man, this was funny!  Thanks OMC!   

[Mikla]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

....I do so love bad puns first thing in the morning.  They're better than coffee. 

So true, so true!   

[ah2bqat]

Time for a blonde joke...

A blonde goes into  a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her  coffee cup.   So she peels it off and starts screaming,  'I've won a motorhome!    I've won a  motorhome!'   

The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The  biggest prize is a free Lunch.?' 
But the blonde  keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome!  I've won a  motorhome!' 

Finally, the manager comes over and says,  'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have  possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize. 

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.  I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to  the manager and HE reads... 
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! I PROMISE !) 





 W I N A B A G E L'   

[Trinkette]

OMG... these are FUNNY! I haven't visited this thread for awhile, so I just read several pages. What a blast. Some of my favs are OMC's priests on vacation (perhaps my favorite of all, BTW), I AM NOT HAPPY, the talking centipede, fifth grade writing assignment, DEATH, the irish taxi driver, and, well... the blonde in the coffee shop.

Thank you for posting ALL of these... they are all great!!!


 

[joia]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."

 

[oldmancoyote]

Ah, uisge beatha... the water of life!

[joia]

My cousin inherited a property in Ireland, he had been born and bred in England but is Irish.   He was thrilled when he found that the fields all had picturesque names in the Irish gaelic.   One behind the house was particularly pretty he thought and then he asked what it meant,  "the field that belongs to the old cow".   If it were a whisky giving cow it might have softened the blow.

[oldmancoyote]

Or made it harder, since no doubt the animal has long passed away...

[Awestruck]

A guy was walking along a road in Mexico when he came across another guy sitting dozing by the roadside whilst leaning against his donkey.
"Excuse me " said the tourist, " do you happen to have the time ?"
"Si Signor " said the mexican and he lazily stretched back an arm under the donkey and gently placed his hand underneath the donkey`s testicles, kept his hand there for a second and then said " it`s 2.30pm Signor ".
"Gee " said the tourist, " that`s fantastic, I`ve never seen that before, you mean to tell me that you can tell the time simply by feeling the donkey`s testicles, amazing, truly amazing !! "
The Mexican looked puzzled and then said " no no Signor, nothing amazing about it Signor, I am lucky Signor because whilst I`m lying back enjoying my siesta if I lift the donkey`s testicles I can see the village clock in the distance ! "

[oldmancoyote]

For those of you that actually want to see the previous joke - here it is in its Italian version

[joia]

LOL, splutter, LOL.   

[oldmancoyote]

With many apologies to any American Lawyers reading this... (or perhaps they should count their blessings, given the competition)

These are from a book called *Disorder in the American Courts*, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do..

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:     Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

0AWITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

WITNESS:     Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death..

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:     All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:     Oral

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:


ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No..

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Diamondsbylauren]

LMAO!!!!!

Two attorneys see a gorgous lady walking down the street.
One says
"I'd love to f^&* her"
The other
"Out of what?"


A guy is waiting on line for a movie, when the guy behind him starts to massage his neck.
"What are you dong?"
"Well, I'm a massage therapist, and I figured I'd practice while I was waiting on line"

"That's rediculous! I'm a lawyer, do you see me trying to screw people while I wait?"

[Mikla]

OMC/David, those are fantastic jokes!  I laughed the whole way through your posts.  Thanks for posting!!

Mikla

[ah2bqat]

OH, I really needed a good laugh today!  Thanks, D and OMC!  Those were great!  I just wish I could hear the witness replies in djm's voice.

[djm195]

I just wish I could hear the witness replies in djm's voice.

 Huh? 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Oh yeah. Y'all think you're so funny....




Ok, actually, you are.

[Mrs Mitchell]

Dentist - "That will be £1250, please. Oh, and £320 weekend call out charge."

No, I didn't laugh either - I just posted it here because it has to be a stupid joke, right? I'm just not getting it?  

[ah2bqat]

Rip-snorter, Miz M!  Unfortunately for you, we know you too well to let that dumb-bunny act stand.  ...and just to give you one back, I saw this quote at a vinyard we visited when we went wine tasting in the western Sierras this weekend.

'We all must have a belief in something, I believe I'll have another glass of wine.'   or the bumper sticker I almost bought.... 

El Dorado sells wine,
Napa sells auto parts!

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahahaha! I believe I'll join you!