Stupid Joke Thread

[Mrs Mitchell]

Ah, but your dog is very cute!

Hahaha. 

[joia]

Does your dog look like this OMC?   

http://www.youtube.c.../watch?v=gEY9BVxYQUU

This makes me smile too.

[oldmancoyote]

Not quite, but if I hold him on my lap he makes a similar face (except he's about 70 lbs)...

[oldmancoyote]

Can't remember if this was already posted here, but anyway...

A guy wakes up one morning to find that a gorilla has taken residence on the tree in his front yard, and sits there quietly eating some leaves. Understandably he is quite worried - after all the beast must be at least 250 lbs - but he does not quite know what to do. He starts looking at "pest control" on Yellow Pages, and he finds this ad for "ACME - Ape Capture and Monkey Extermination", which he calls.

In a matter of minutes, an ACME van arrives, and the driver dismounts. The guy shows him the gorilla - who is still munching peacefully on the tree. The ACME man hums a bit, then says "No problem. It's a male, so the simple Chihuahua method will work; come with me, I'll need some help."

- Will it be dangerous?

- Not at all, certainly not for you.

So they head back to the van, and the ACME man pulls out a rather sleepy Chihuahua, a gun, a pair of handcuffs with a longish chain attached and a long stick. He hands the gun to the guy, then he says

- It's pretty easy, really. I'll clamber up the tree, and start rustling the leaves with the stick. The gorilla is curious, so it'll come to see what it is.

- Then I shoot it?

- No. Then I beat it on hands and feet with the stick, so it loses balance and falls down to the ground.

- Then I shoot it?

- No. Then the Chihuahua gets to work. It's a specially trained dog, and it will attack the gorilla. It will bite its privates, and won't let go, no matter what. This will cause the gorilla to grab its own crotch, but it can't pull the Chihuahua away because the dog is trained to bite harder when he's pulled. In this way the gorilla is incapacitated.

- Ah. So then I shoot it?

- No. Then I come down from the tree, put the handcuffs on, and lead him to the cage in the van. Your problem solved. Easy?

- OK, easy, but what do I have the gun for?

- Well, that's just for safety, you know, just in case I lose my balance and fall from the tree.

- Ah, I see, then I shoot the gorilla.

- NO! You shoot the Chihuahua!

[joia]

Hilarious.     

[Mrs Mitchell]

OMC, you would shake your head and disown me if you knew how many times I had to read that before I got it. I've lost my sense of humour on the same day that I started my Chartered Accountancy classes. Coincidence?

When I did get it, I laughed!

[Trinkette]

[TRINKETTE DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry, I don't use "colorful" language on the forum... however, this just HAS to read as I received it today].


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a BIG RED MARK on his f***ing forehead.



Maybe next time, he'll buy me a diamond. 

[ah2bqat]

Yes!    Yes, YES!!      

[joia]

 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Trinkette]

Welcome to my world. It's coming... 

[joia]

   Me too, unfortunately).

[Diamondsbylauren]

Let me tell you guys something......


Wait, what was I about to say???

[oldmancoyote]

- Martha, what was the name of that German chap for whom I said I'd forget everything?

- Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer

[Diamondsbylauren]

A robber walks into a bank.
He pulls out a gun.
"give me the money" he tells the teller.
After he gets the money he shoots and kills the teller

"Did you see what I just did?" he asks the guy behind him on line.
"Yes!" the guy says
The robber shoots that guy and turns to the lady behind him on line

"Did you see what I just did?"

"No, but my husband did"

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hey. I think my neighbour saw it too. The neighbour who has been cutting his hedge with a chain saw for about 39 hours now...