Stupid Joke Thread

[ah2bqat]

A woman was helping her husband install his new computer. Once they finished the installation, the computer requested her husband choose a password, something which he will remember because it will be needed to start a session. 

The man was a little macho… wanting to pass a message to his wife, chooses a password and is eager to see her reaction. When the computer requested the password from him… he looked at his wife with a smirk and types:

    P...

    E...

    N....

    I...

    S...


    When  the husband pressed (enter) she threw herself on the ground  laughing....

    Because the computer answered her husband:
    Access  denied… too short!

[Debangel]

ROFL..good one!  Also, you know you've got a good man when you tell him this joke, and he LAUGHS

[dovesgate]

A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal.  The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?"  "No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop," the homeless man replied. 

    "You were once a cop?"  "Yes," the homeless man replied.  "On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day." 

    “Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?"  "No, I don't waste time with sugary foods," the homeless man said.  "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can." 

    "Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?"  "Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man.  "I haven't played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force." 

    "Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?"  "What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks?  I hate whores." exclaimed the homeless man. 

    "Well," said the retired cop, "I'm not going to give you the money now. Instead, I'm going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money." 

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't  these officers be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man."  The retired cop replied, "That's okay. It's important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex."

[dovesgate]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor and said, "Didn't you tell me that I have to take this new medication for the rest of my life?"
The doctor replied, "Yes, that's correct."
"Well, I'm very upset."
"What the Matter?"
"I didn't realize my condition was so serious."
"what do you mean?"
"There are only 30 pills in the bottle and the label says NO REFILLS."

[lovecolor]

                                 

[ah2bqat]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[oldmancoyote]

Russia, 1895.

After months of hard negotiations with the Tsar police, a Talmud scholar from Odessa finally gets a permit to travel to Moscow. Once on the train, he sits down and is joined at the first stop  - still in Odessa - by a young, good-looking  man, tidily dressed. The scholar looks at his new travelling companion, and starts wondering:

"This chap does not look like a peasant. But if he is not a peasant, he is from this neighbourhood. If he from this neighbourhood, he is most likely Jewish - at the end of the day, this is a Jewish district.

But if he is Jewish, where might he be going to?

I'm the only Jew in the district with permission to travel to Moscow - it took me months to get it and I know how hard it is.

Now, wait a minute - the last stop before Moscow is that small hamlet, Samvet, and travel to Samvet does not require a special permit for Jews. But why is he going to Samvet?

It's very likely he is visiting one of the Jewish families in Samvet. But there's only two Jewish families in Samvet: the Steinbergs and the Bernsteins.

The Bernsteins are such an unpleasant family - a decent young man like him is surely going to visit the Steinbergs. But what is he going to visit the Steinbergs for?

Ah, yes, of course, the Steinbergs have two daughters: he must be one of their sons-in-law. But which daughter would he be married to?

I've heard that Sarah is married with a very nice young lawyer from Budapest, and Esther is married to a shopkeeper in Zithomer. He must be Sarah's husband, then, the lawyer. If I remember right, he's called Alexander Cohen. But in Budapest there is plenty of anti-semitism, so he must have changed his name. But to what?

The Hungarian equivalent of Cohen is Kovacs. Yet, if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some form of support from the authorities. But what could it be? Well, most likely he must be a teaching assistant at the University."

Having gone through this in his head in a few seconds, the Talmud scholar turns towards the young man, and smiling says: "Good morning, Dr. Kovacs. How are you?"

"Very well, thank you" - says the young man, looking rather astonished - "How do you know my name? Have we met before?"

"No, not really, but it's rather obvious, really".

[Mrs Mitchell]

I love it! 

[DiamondsAreForever]

Me, too.