Stupid Joke Thread

[oldmancoyote]

This has been dormant for too long. A recently retired relative of mine has just sent me this little story:

'As a retiree, I often get asked how I use all the free time I have. It's a very good question.

For example, a few days ago I went downtown with my wife, and we entered a shop for about five minutes. When we left, there was a policeman (traffic warden) with his notepad, writing up a parking ticket.

We went right next to him, and I said: "Excuse me, Sir, but could you not show some respect for older people, and let this one go, for once?".

He ignored me, and kept writing the ticket. So I called him "You Nazi B****rd!"

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, and started writing a second ticket, because the car tyres were badly worn. This is when my wife called him "a little piece of s**t in uniform".

He placed the second ticket under the wiper, next to the first one, and started writing a third one - don't quite know for what.

It went on like this for about 20 minutes - we kept insulting him, and he kept writing new tickets. He must have written about a dozen.

Anyway, who cares? We went downtown on the bus. At our age, it's important to have fun and not take things too seriously.'

[Mrs Mitchell]

Oh. Hahaha. I had to read that one twice! That sounds like something my father would do...

[Awestruck]

Mr Awestruck will soon be 60 ( officially able to get his free bus pass ) so I think the next time we`re in town we`ll give this a try lol.

[clgwli]

That's so bad it's funny!

[Sparkly-OCD]

Going around the email circuit:
 
When you have an "I Hate My Job Day" [even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson.  Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take the literature out of  the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:-
 
Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart............. you're just a sour old fart; maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

[Pinky]

Another email circuit funny,

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet, Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be $1000, please".
"A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

[ah2bqat]

 Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.  Then, in the silence, he started to  slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

 He said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

 After a few moments, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:  'Well, Dumb A$$, stop clapping!'

[ah2bqat]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[oldmancoyote]

The response from the Men's Helpline:

Bob, you could try welding her [censored - sounds like smack], but it may be construed as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Replacing her may be a safer option.

[DiamondsAreForever]

HaHa.  I love it (both of you).

[clgwli]

 

[Diamondsbylauren]

A guy comes home to find his wife in bed with another man.
He starts to beat the crap out of the guy.
His wife freaks out- "Stop it, you're beating up the father of your children!!"

[Mrs Mitchell]

Along similar lines:

Dear Men's Helpline, I'm emailing you because this is about a man, and I'm hoping you might have some insight.

Yesterday, there was a foot of snow on the ground. I had an early shift at work and I needed to pick up my husband's dry cleaning on the way, so I was up before it got light. My husband took the day off and stayed in bed. I dug the car out, scraped it free of ice and snow,  got in and tried the engine. There was a sort of whining noise, and it wouldn't start.

I went back to the house and asked my husband to help, which he refused to do. He didn't want to get out of bed in the cold and dark, and wouldn't help me at all. I asked him if I could use his car and he refused, because he might need it later, since it looks like he's having to collect his own dry cleaning. Am I being taken for granted? Is this a normal way for a husband to treat his wife? What do you guys think?


Reply from Men's Helpline:
Can you describe the whining noise in more detail? It could be a water pump problem, or it may be an issue with the timing belt. Do check that there is fuel in the tank, and that the anti-freeze has been topped up. Try turning the engine over again, see if it fires, and listen carefully for anything unusual. It could also be a fuel pump problem, we'll need more information to rule that out.

[ah2bqat]

It's got to be the water pump.  It's the only thing close to being as expensive as replacing the husband.

[ah2bqat]

'Mrs. Sanders,  please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs Sanders, this  is Doctor Jones at Saint  Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent  his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr  Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one  belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results  are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs Sanders  asked nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested  positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive  for HIV.  We can't tell which is  which.'

'That's dreadful!  Can you do the test  again?' questioned Mrs Sanders.

'Normally we can, but  Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one  time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do  now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend  that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of  town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with  him.'

[oldmancoyote]

Wonderful Wisdom for the Weekend from the World Wide Web
(Translated from Italian - so apologies if some sound a bit contrived, or not quoted exactly)

- Better a hen today than an egg tomorrow (the Rooster)

- If you don't succeed at first, parachuting is not for you (Murray's Law)

- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even of an ugly beholder.

- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

- I believe one should pay his taxes with a smile. I tried, but they wanted the money.

- As a child, I was a genius. I would solve puzzles in six months, even if on the box it said "from 2 to 5 years".

- I thought I was really good in bed, until I found out she had asthma.

- My wife says I never mind my business. Or at least, that's what she writes in her diary.

- Incorruptible journalists exist. They just cost more than the others.

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

- Man can reach God following an infinite multiplicity of paths. The problem is the sign posting. (after Martin Buber)

- Indifference is the source of all the problems in the world. Who cares.

- Nothing is more dangerous than a great thought in a small brain.

- Middle age is when a broad mind and a narrow waist swap places.

- When I see a grown up man crying in a dark room, I wonder why he didn't switch the light on.

- It's difficult to be a team player when one is omnipotent.

- To err is human. To blame others for our mistakes is even more human (Jacob's Law)

- I just don't understand why midges must always fly the wrong way up the road.

- The boss: the only human being who inerrantly manages to be early at work if you are late, and arrive late if you are early. (Bob Phillips)

- Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. (Woody Allen)

- An ambassador is someone who, unable to get an elected position, gets a position from the Government on condition that he leaves the country (Ambrose Bierce)

- The brain is a wonderful organ: it begins to work in the morning as soon as you wake up, and it doesn't stop until you get to the office.

- Work is the refuge of those that have nothing better to do (Oscar Wilde)

- Trying is the first step towards failure (Homer Simpson)

- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.

Have a good weekend!

[oldmancoyote]

Just found this - I think it's extremely good

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[clgwli]

That last one cracked me up 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahahahaha!

[Sanchica27]

lol religion....

[oldmancoyote]

And another one:

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

                  ---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

                  ----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

                  ----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
 
                  ---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

                  ---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

                  ---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

                  ---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to  Port Elizabeth  . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

                  ---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

                  ---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

                  ----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

                  ---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.   Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

                  ---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

                  ---o0o

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
                  ---o0o

Overheard on a Kulula flight into  Cape Town  , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
                  ---o0o

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
                  ---o0o

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
                  ---o0o

After a real crusher of a landing in  Johannesburg  , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
                  ---o0o

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
                  ---o0o

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[oldmancoyote]

And just in case any of you think I made this one up (or someone else did), Kulula does exist, and when you look at their planes, you can see that the above may very well be true...

[lovecolor]

I use to think that I was over reacting when I thought about how worried I was to fly on an airplane...thank you for convincing me that I am absolutely in my right mind when it comes to being concerned!      This airliner has really funny looking planes and employees, that is if those comments were actually said...   

[Mrs Mitchell]

The most wonderful airline ever! I wanna fly with them! Is that livery for real? Funniest thing ever.
I especially liked 'Captain Crash'

[clgwli]

Oh my goodness!  This makes me want to fly to Johannesburg just to try to fly on this airline.