Stupid Joke Thread

[djm195]

"No thanks, Lady. These are horrible."

Really!

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!   I wish I could've seen the expression on your face-- your arm still extended -- looking at the pack still in your hand --the guys turned up lip. CLASSIC!  HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!  (I needed this laugh --  I just had a revelation about some stuff I lost in a computer crash-- Man, I really needed this right now--LOL).  Thanks Jen........

[Mrs Mitchell]

Glad it made you laugh! Sorry to hear you lost stuff, that sucks. Hope it's not too much of a disaster.

Ok, here's another one. I had a visit from my boss to cheer me up this morning, he always has a joke or six.

A young man is called up to fight in the WW1 trenches. He isn't keen. Really doesn't want to go. He asks around for a sure way of avoiding military service. Eventually, someone tells him that if he doesn't have any testicles, he won't pass the medical, so he won't have to go.

He thinks about it for a long time and eventually decides he's going to do whatever it takes to avoid going to the trenches, since he figures that he would rather live without the dangly bits than get shot. So, he books an operation in a nice private hospital, gets them removed. It was traumatic, but hey, likely to save his life.

A few months later, he's called for a medical, to see if he's fit to go to the frontline. The doc looks him over then tells him he's unfit for active service. "Oh", said the man, "that'll be because I don't have any testicles?"

"No son" said the doc, "it's because you have flat feet."

Jen

[Awestruck]

Subject: The $40,000 Funeral

 

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Jim died.


His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.


As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.


'How much did this really cost?'


'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'


'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'


Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
 






 



 
 

[Trinkette]

 

[oldmancoyote]

A scotsman's wife dies. He goes to the local newspaper to place a death announcement; the chap at the paper asks him the text he wants.

- I think "Martha died" should be fine.
- Well, there's many Marthas and people could get confused, plus it's the same cost for up to five words...
- Ah, so five words is the same?
- Yes
- Ok, then put "Martha died. Selling blue Honda", please

[Trinkette]

 

I don't know why that strikes me as so funny, OMC, but, it does. I think I actually SNORTED out loud when I read it. Couldn't help it. I'm still in stitches. So simple. So cruel. Hilarious.

[Mrs Mitchell]

This is a popular joke in Scotland, believe it or not. Cracks me up every time, and we tell it with regional variations.

"Smith dead, Edinburgh. Volvo for sale"

[Trinkette]

Actually, I do think that I've heard a variation before. It still tickles my funny bone and makes me snort.     

[oldmancoyote]

Lest anyone (Jen in particular) should feel offended, I hasten to add that the first time I heard the joke, it had a chap from Genoa rather than a Scot, but I fear the Scottish stereotype is somewhat more internationally understood.

So, here's another one about Genoans (Genoese?) - which by now you have gathered have a rather well deserved reputation for being careful with their money. And a Scotsman by comparison, too...

A Frenchman enters a pub, asks for a glass of champagne. After he is served, a fly buzzes into the glass and drops into the wine.

- Parbleu! Disgusting! Garçon, another glass of champagne s'il vous plait!

Next comes a Scot, who wants a whisky. Another fly buzzes by, and drops into the liquid. The guy looks annoyed, but picks it up quickly, throws it away and drinks the whisky not looking too happy.

Here arrives the Genoan (Genoese?) - who orders a glass of tap water with a small slice of lemon, please. And - you guessed it - a fly dives straight into it. Concerned look on the face, the Genoese picks it up delicately, and holding the insect up by the wings shakes it mightily, screaming:

- Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it!

[Trinkette]

 

Too snorts for that one!

[Trinkette]

Gosh... I just realized... life has been a little tough around here lately. I really needed a couple of big laughs. Feels good. Thanks guys!

[oldmancoyote]

You are welcome. I wish I could do something more...

[Mrs Mitchell]

No offense taken! Everyone knows the Scots are as mean as sin, might as well laugh at it!

The ones from Edinburgh are the meanest of all...

[Trinkette]

Ummm... like... there no fighting spirit between Glasgow-ites and Edinburgh-ites now, is there? You know, an E-W kind of tension... 

[oldmancoyote]

Kretchmer-like?

[Trinkette]

Clever.

[Mrs Mitchell]

Ummm... like... there no fighting spirit between Glasgow-ites and Edinburgh-ites now, is there? You know, an E-W kind of tension... 

Just a smidge. A teeny hint of rivalry...

There are whole volumes of joke books devoted to the subject, in fact. 

[ah2bqat]

Here is the Washington Post's annual Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.   Here are the 2008 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[Trinkette]

Cashtration is my favorite. Actually, these days, it can be a purchase of just about anything... 

[oldmancoyote]

If you buy two houses, are you doubly cashtrated?

[Mikla]

Well, from personal experience, I can tell you that I am.  Except that I didn't have the requisite parts to begin with!   

Mikla

[ah2bqat]

I'm thinking cashtration may also occur upon the sale of a house in this depressed market, as well.  Losing equity in order to make the sale happen really makes large sucking noises.

[ah2bqat]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?



Give up??







For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

[GIAGirl]

Subject: The $40,000 Funeral

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



  

Jim died.


His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.


As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.


'How much did this really cost?'


'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'


'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'


Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
 






 



 
 

I don't see why this is funny.  It is just a  practical and logical story.  

[oldmancoyote]