Stupid Joke Thread

[Trinkette]

Sick. 

[joia]

It is isn´t it?     

Joia

[Mikla]

Great one, Joia!

  Mikla

[Trinkette]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
 

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
 
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
 
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 
CONFOUNDED  SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large."
 
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At  Last'.''
 

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS  SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
 

ELDERLY  SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment. Killing him instantly.
 
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. 

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."
 

[Diamondsbylauren]

A lady goes to the pet store to buy a parrot.

She selcts one and the pet store owner warns her
"This bird spent it's life in a Brothel till we got him- he might say some nasty things"


"That's OK- we don't have young children"

She took the bird home and set up that cage.
When her 25 year old daugher came homew the bird said
"Wow- what a lovely lady of the evening!"

"That's no lady of the evening- that's Jennie, our daughter!"
Sorry - said the bird....


Later her elderly mother arrived
"Oh- the Madam is home!"

"That's no madam- that's my mom Sadie!"

Sorry said the bird.

Then her husband arrived home
"Hi Frank" said the bird

[oldmancoyote]

Warning - graphical descriptions unsuitable to minors below. Mods remove if offending, but please stop laughing first.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly and frail-looking couple are eating dinner in a small restaurant in the country. He asks: "Darling, do you remember when we made love the first time?" "Yes, honey, it was in the field near this restaurant" she answers. "And do you remember when it was?" "Of course, it was 60 year ago to this day, exactly, and we've never been back here since." "Yet nothing has changed, and you are still my wonderful lady", says he. They look at each other, smiling and sighing, holding hands.

"Listen, there's a wonderful moon, why don't we go out for a short walk and..." he suggests, feeling rather daring. She agrees, they pay and go out.

The local policeman - who was eating at the next table and overheard the conversation - follows them with the intention of keeping guard and letting them enjoy the evening as much as possible. He's an incurable romantic, and thinks it's so sweet that they still love each other so much.

The couple turn into the road leading to the field. The policeman stations himself in an inobtrusive spot at the start of the road, and looks resolutely the other way. He is not surprised when a few moans come his way. Then the moans turn more urgent, then into veritable shouts. He then turns and sees them silhouetted in the moonlight - she leaning against a fence, and he behind her vigorously pumping, thrusting and bucking like there's no tomorrow. The policeman is astonished at the sight, and remains gawping while the scene goes on for a good 15 minutes. Then at last they disentangle and fall on the ground, clearly exhausted, still moaning feebly.

The policeman waits a couple of minutes, then not hearing anything anymore and fearing they both have had a heart attack, approaches the scene. They have managed to more or less dress themselves again, but are still clearly having difficulties and are very short of breath, sitting on the ground.

"Good evening" says the policeman "do you need any help?"

"Yes please, young man, would you mind taking us back to our car? We don't feel too well, and we can't walk all that far" answers he in a whisper.

The policeman suggests that he will take the lady first, and then come back for the gentleman. When he returns, the chap has recovered enough to walk leaning against the policeman.

As they hobble towards the car, the policeman says "Sir, perhaps I should not say this, but I saw you a few minutes ago, and... well, it's incredible the energy you had. I mean, I wish I would grow old and still have such a level of passion and love for my wife. I overheard you in the restaurant, and I know this place has not changed for you from 60 years ago, but your - erm, performance - how did you manage it?"

"Young man: passion, energy, love and performance my foot! And it's not true that nothing changed. 60 year ago there was no darn electric fence there!!!"

[Diamondsbylauren]

A 90 year old man knocks on the door of his local brothel.
One of the women working there answers the door

"Yes?" she asks

"How much for sex?" he asks

Incredulous, the woman asks "How old are you??"

"90" he answers

"You've had it" she replies

"How much do I owe you?" he asks.......

[joia]

You/we are all so sick.....    

[BigRed]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

[Mrs Mitchell]

silly one liner:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....
so, we went  to a gas station.....

[Sanchica27]

ha! that's perfect!

[Trinkette]

These are all funny!  I'm afraid that I like the 90 year-old man one the best.  I'll be there in no time...  But, Mrs. M. the gas one is just all too true.

[Trinkette]

OK, I can't resist this one (I may even show it to my 10 year-old son; you know, kind of combine sex education and his love for swimming all at once...):

[BigRed]

Now that is funny!

[Diamondsbylauren]

An old Sam Spade joke ...stolen from ( I believe) Danny Thomas


Heckle and Schmeckle are driving along one night when they have a blowout. Of course these schmucks don't have a jack
Standing by the side of the road, trying to figure out what to do Schmeckle remembers..
"Hey, didn't we pass a farm a mile back"
Heckle- "Yes- let's go see if we can borrow a Jack from the farmer"

They start walking back to the farm.

Suddenly Schmeckle has a thought out loud
"Hey, what if the guy wants to charge us for the jack? Do you have any money?"
"I don't think he'll charge us Schmeckle"

"But what if he does?"

"Allright, if he's going to charge us, it will only be a couple of bucks, right?"

"But what if he decides to ask $100!... I mean, he knows we're stuck"

"Come on Schmeckle, you're over-reacting"

"Yea? Well I've heard about the farmers in these parts...they are supposed to be a really crappy bunch- he might even ask $200!"

By the time they get to the farmhouse, they ring the bell.
As the farmer opens the door Heckle tells the farmer-
"You know what you stingy bastard, you can keep take your $200 jack and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

Actually- Sam has told me this story on many an occasion where I was all worked up about some potential bother.
The point being....Never try and cross a bridge before you come to it.

[joia]

Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice .   For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
 
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
 
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
 
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
 
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
 
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
 
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
 
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
 
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
 
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
 
And finally....
 
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
 

Joia

[djm195]

Too funny joia!  That made me chuckle this morning, Thanks.

[BigRed]

Good one Joia!!!!!

[Trinkette]

 

[Awestruck]

A young man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The young man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. " Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The young man seeing this said, "We'll take it. "
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the young man stated, " by cheque."
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. "
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the young man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know ", said the young man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had? "

[djm195]

LOL!!! That's ADS at its best!!! LOL!!!

[GIAGirl]

That is hilarious.  Too funny. 

[BigRed]

Now that is funny, but boy I would kill that man Monday evening! LOL

[joia]

His life from then on wouldn´t be worth living Big Red.......


Joia

[Awestruck]

I saw this and it made me laugh.