Stupid Joke Thread

[diamondjunkie]

Oh!  ROFL!  He sure does!  My son is writing a book report on Winston Churchill for school this week.  Maybe I should have him include it!  LOL!

[Mikla]

Thought this was kinda cute . . .

[diamondjunkie]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
The waitress asks them for their orders.  The man says, ' A hamburger,
fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'   'I'll have the
same,' says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.  The next day, the man and the ostrich
come again and the man says, ' A hamburger, fries and a coke.'   The
ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
 waitress.  'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man.   'Same,' says the ostrich.
 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity
any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
 
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right
amount of money would always be there.'   'That's brilliant!' says
the waitress.   'Most people would ask for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!''That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
 
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'  The man sighs,
pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
 

[Trinkette]

 

[joia]

   

Joia

[Awestruck]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

[joia]

 

Joia

[Mikla]

  Where is ROFLMAO?

[oldmancoyote]

Replaced by roTflmao?

[Mikla]

Did I have a or was it really gone for a little while?

  Mikla

[oldmancoyote]

Ummm... higlights, perhaps? (j/k)

[Mikla]

Well, I'm naturally dark blonde and have highlights, so I suppose that's a double-whammy!   

The bleach must have leached out more than color out of my head!   

  Mikla

[Awestruck]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

[Mikla]

 

[BigRed]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[diamondjunkie]

Just got this in my email - WOAH!!!


This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
 


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
 


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
 


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
 


THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
 


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
 


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
 


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
 


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
 


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
 


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
 


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
 


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
 


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
 



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[BigRed]

Those are clever!

[joia]

Another silly blonde joke.....



A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Joia 

[BigRed]

  ROTF!!!!!!!!!!

[joia]

> > Subject: Doctor's advice
> >
> > When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new
> > wing to their hospital,
> >
> > the Allergists voted to scratch it and
> > the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
> > The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
> > but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot
> > of nerve,
> > and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
> > misconception.
> > The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
> > the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body,
> > while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
> > The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
> > the Radiologists could see right through it,
> > and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
> > thing.
> > The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
> > and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new
> > face on the matter.'
> > The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
> > but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
> > The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas
> > and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
> > In the end,
> > the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in
> > administration.
> > --
> >
Joia

[BigRed]

 

[Trinkette]

Thank God for Bubba

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be out done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, THE FLOYD PRESS, a local newspaper in Virginia , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Goose Creek, Floyd County, Virginia, Bubba Whitlock, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Virginia had already gone wireless.

Thank God for Bubba. Who said Virginians were hicks?

 

[djm195]

 

[Trinkette]

 

[joia]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English  - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

 

Joia