Stupid Joke Thread

[djm195]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome."

(8 ) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*&# YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

PERFECT!!!

[GracefulLion]

1. A man walks into a bar. . . You'd think he would've ducked.

2. Must say the last line aloud: A string walks into a bar and asks for a cold beer.  "I am sorry says the bartender," pointing to a sign above his head, "we don't serve strings here."  The string leaves, dejected.  He walks outside, shakes his head violently, and pulls out his ends.  With new conviction, he walks back in and, once again, asks for his beer.  "I told you," says the bartender, "No strings allowed.  Aren't you a string?" "No," he says "I am frayed knot!."

Um, I guess I haven't learned many new jokes since junior high, but you all are cracking me up!  The kitty taking a pill had me laughing out loud!!  I will be on the look out for more!  Fun idea!!!

[Mrs Mitchell]

Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?



They sell more tickets.

Of course.

[Trinkette]

George Bush meets with the Queen of England and he asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,

Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Trinkette]

Dead Duck
 
A WOMAN BROUGHT a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the  bird's  chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly said,  "I'm so  sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you  sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be  sure," She protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned and  left the room, returning a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
 
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from  top to  bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his  head.  The Vet patted the dog and took it out, returning a few moments  later  with a   beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook his head,  meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.   The vet looked at the woman and  said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,"this is most definitely, 100 per cent  certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal,  hit a few keys and produced a  bill which he handed to the woman.   The  duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150," she cried, "$150  Just to  tell me my duck is dead?!"   

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken  my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the  cat scan...."

[luvnjewelry]

This is a great idea David!  Really enjoyed reading these and having loads of laughs this morning!    I will have to come up with a few...!!    

[GracefulLion]

Can we add linksto funny stand ups?  This is for all the moms!

http://www.youtube.c.../watch?v=w_oc1j5NakY

[BigRed]

OMG these are hilarious! I laughed hardest at the cat/pill one though because it is so true! That pretty accurately describes the every other month occurrence when my mom says it's time to give Dundee his pill! LOL

[jewellk]

THE DAM LETTER..

http://www.snopes.co...r/letters/dammed.asp

http://www.getipm.com/personal/dam.htm

This is a bit long so I'll just posted the link but it is well worth reading!! I crack up every time  I read the response letter, especially since it is TRUE!!! In the second link, you can see that Mr. Tvedten cc'd PETA!!!

[joia]

That was dam hilarious.
 
Joia

[Trinkette]

Yup. A dam riot. 

[IhaveaDiamondproblem]

I've been so stupid busy on a writing project and STILL am, dang it; let me tell you all CDI is WONDERFUL for breaks - the cat one and the dam one just brought me new life - I may finish this dam project sometime in my lifetime after all !! Just a moment to post a couple of my faves.  Steven Wright, a brilliant deadpan comic came up with these...
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 

[IhaveaDiamondproblem]

My other fave (I love sushi!)  And THANK YOU to all you CDIers, I LOVE THIS PLACE!  (...and David, you're already a rock star to me, hee hee!)  Diving back into my dam writing again now...



THEY FOUND NEMO...

[Snooper]

 

These are HILARIOUS!!! I won't look at my sushi the same way again!!!

[IhaveaDiamondproblem]

Ok just one more set...these have been around awhile but I had to put in a nod to my profession :-)

Potent new drugs - now available or coming soon !

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 12 full hours.

ST.  M O M M A' S  W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and 4x4 pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boyotic for older women.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a man prior to his Friday evening dinner; provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, thus saving the wife/girfriend the time and trouble of doing it herself

[joia]

One liners.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A  man´s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it´s an I for an I.
A bicycle can´t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What the definition of a will? (It´s a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don´t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn´t find the key.
Every calendar´s days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted.  It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those  who get too big for their britches get exposed in the end.
Once you have seen a shopping centre you have seen a mall.
.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa´s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[BigRed]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Me-Ann]

There was a brunette, a redhead, and a blond in a lineup to be shot, execution style. 
Just as they yelled "ready, aim.."  The redhead yelled..."LOOK, LOOK A TORNADO!"  As the firing squad looked to see what was the matter, the redhead escaped!

Then, there was left, the brunette and blond.  Just as the firing squad yelled "READY, AIM...", the brunette yelled, "OH LOOK, A HURRICANE!"
Once again, the firing squad was distracted, and the brunette got away.
 
Only left was the blond, (we'll pretend it's me, not to offend anyone)...
Once again, the firing squad was yelling "READY...AIM...."
The blond pondered for something to say to cause a distraction... and she quickly yelled  "FIRE, FIRE!!!"

[joia]

 

[Diamondsbylauren]

A really old man walks up to a house of ill repute and knocks on the door.
When the madam answers, she's astounded...."How old are you old guy?"

"I'm 90" says the old guy....

"You've had it" says the madam.

"How much do I owe you?"

[evilmailjeep]

The parents of a little boy had just had it with his bad grades, especially his math grades. In desperation, they pull him out of public school, and register him in a Catholic one.
The first report card comes in, and the math score is an A. The parents ask him if going to Catholic school helps. "Sure did! First day I went in, and I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't kidding!"

[luvnjewelry]

These are great!  Keep them coming  

[Mrs Mitchell]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

[diamondjunkie]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's hilarious!!!!  "God I miss him"  ROFL!!!!  That was just as funny as the punchline!  I just sent this to my husband!!!!

[titania]

"God I miss him,"   I'm screaming with laughter (ROFSMAO)!!!!
What a great way to start my insanely busy day. Thanks CDI!!! And Jen!!!