Stupid Joke Thread

[Diamondsbylauren]

A guy goes to the doctor.
"Castrate me Doc"

"Are you sure?" asked the doctor

"Yes"


The next day his friend calls him..

"Hey Joe, did you have that circumcision?"

Oh THAT was the word!

[acebruin]

[evilmailjeep]

My daughter has a classmate named Joe that she doesn't like....I told her the joke, it got one raised eyebrow "Funny, that suits Joe"

[Trinkette]

 

[Diamondsbylauren]

Wow, Joe, huh?


You know he reminds me of these two really...unusual guys rinding this horse one time.
They kept on making nasty remarks about people they passed- and on top of it, they were really no too bright , as it were.....

When they got to their destination and got off the horse, one of them goes to the back of the horse and picks up the tail, looks,  and scratches his head.
"What are you  looking at Joe" one idiot says to the other.
I don't see two A$$holes on this horse- what were those people talking about!

[Snooper]

  Love the jokes! Great thread!!!

[Diamondsbylauren]

Three ladies having tea and trumpets at the Plaza
1st Lady: When my rings get dirty, I take them to Tiffany's- they clean them for me.
2nd lady: When my diamonds get dirty, I take them to Harry Winston- he cleans them right up for me!


3rd Lady: When my jewelry gets dirty, I throw it away.

[Sanchica27]

i hope this isn't to vulgar...i love these ones...

    

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rect*m stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rect*m stretcher? And just what does a rect*m stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS.

[evilmailjeep]

Forwarding this one to my car buddies, thank you

[Sanchica27]

another...this is one of my favs...



Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.



Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between
knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00



Total $4,165.00

[BigRed]

 

[Snooper]

LOL!!! Love Post #7

[acebruin]

[djm195]

Hilarious S--forwarding to my brothers!!!

[joia]

An Australian joke...
>
>
> Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and
> Dad. (For
> Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a
> smalltown, west of Quilpie in
> the far south west of Queensland)
>
>         Dear Mum & Dad,
>
>         I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big
> brothers Doug and Phil
> that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -
> tell them to get in
> quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
>
>         I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
> because ya don't  hafta
> get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now,
> cuz all ya gotta do
> before brekky is make ya  bed and shine ya boots and
> clean ya uniform. No
> darn  cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
> stack - nothin'!! Ya haz
> gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's
> lots a hot water and
> even a light to see what ya doing!
>
>         At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
> there's no kangaroo
> steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't
> get fed again until noon
> and by that time all the city boys are worn out
> because we've been on a
> 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to
> the windmill in the back
> paddock!!
>
>         This one will kill me brothers  Doug and Phil
> with laughter. I keep
> getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The
> bullseye is as big as a
> possum's bum  and it don't move and it's not firing
> back at ya like the
> Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
> their prize cows last year.
>  All ya gotta do is make yourself
> comfortable and hit the
> target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load
> your own cartridges they
> comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady
> yourself against
> the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you
> reload!
>
>         Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city
> boys and I gotta be real
> careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting
> with Doug and Phil and
> Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like
> we do at home after the
> round up.
>
>
>         Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it
> looks like I'm the best
> the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this
> one bloke from the
> Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three
> pick handles across the
> shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight
> stone wringin' wet, but
> I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to
> the boozer.
>
>         I can't complain about the Army - tell the
> boys to get in quick
> before word gets around how darn  good it is.
>
>         Your loving daughter,
>
>         Sheila
>

[evilmailjeep]

At a society function, Mr and Mrs Newmoney have come to mingle, and of course the ladies make Mrs. Newmoney feel quite at home...
The first woman; "Martin is such an angel! This weekend, we are flying to Paris to shop! Just because!"
Mrs. Newmoney "Thatsa nice"

The second, "My darling Stephen brought home the most wonderful, full length mink, all because it was a rainy Tuesday"
 Again, from Mrs Newmoney "Thatsa Nice"

The third woman "Irvin picked up a fantastic Cartier bracelet, and necklace, and earrings!"
Mrs Newmoney "Thatsa nice'
The women then pounced "Sooooo what has Your Husband done for you lately"
"Ah" said Mrs Newmoney, "My Tony, he send me to an expensive finishin' school"
'And what', one woman sniffed, "Did they teach you at finishing school?'
Mrs Newmoney replied " I useda say a bullshit, now I say 'Thatsa Nice'"

[acebruin]

  lol omg that one made me laugh like crazy...

[Awestruck]

Paddy O` Leary`s wife decided she wanted a new diamond ring, so that night she decided to seduce Paddy when he arrived home from work.
Paddy arrived home and Mrs paddy was waiting for him in the hallway and wearing see through negligee, crotchless panties and bright red lipstick.
" Paddy Paddy " she crooned, " come here I want youuuu "
Hell no said Paddy whilst running in the opposite direction, I aint coming near THAT .... have you see what it`s done to your knickers

[diamondjunkie]

OMG!!!!  This thread is hilarious!  Here's the funniest email joke I ever received.  I absolutely cannot read it without tearing up and I find it impossible to read aloud!



How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!


1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
         

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.


9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.


15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

[joia]

     And so true.
Joia

[djm195]

  DJ--that is hilarious!! I love the part: "Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans"..I lost it at that point!!!! Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh...

[joia]

A young cashier  at a bank called Patty Whack  was very surprised when a frog came up to her counter and told her that his name was Kermit Jagger  and and he wanted  a $100,000 loan.
She told him that she would have to get permission from the manager first.
“Fine”  Kermit told her,” the manager knows me well,  just  give him this”
.
She was very surprised when he gave her a little porcelain elephant but she took it and   went in to the manager and said
“There is a frog called Kermit Jagger outside wanting a loan of $100,000 and he said to give you this”. 
He took it and looked at it and she asked what on earth  it was.
 
And the manager replied
 “It´s  a knick- knack Patty Whack,  give the frog a loan, his old  man´s a Rolling Stone”

Sorry but I love bad puns.

[Trinkette]

The Mother Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly." All moms know this stuff. It's on the Momma
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Momma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you
don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.
 

[Trinkette]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome."

(8 ) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*&# YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

[Trinkette]

Honeymoon Tale
[Please excuse the four-letter language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same].

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly the daughter burst out crying, "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all the awful four-letter words!" She pleaded, "You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your new husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.